Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Getting Oriented

Monday I had orientation for my new part time job as an interviewer. I won't even go into the intense amount of effort it took for me to get to the orientation following the storm of the century. Suffice it to say that the commute to and from work was a harrowing tale that will make you question your faith in humanity; I woke up at 5 a.m. hating the snow and went to bed at 10 p.m. loathing the snow. (I also avoid the topic of Superbowl disappointment. As I'm sure you know, my eventual husband-to-be Peyton Manning fought valiantly, but was bested by New Orleans. I hope the NOLA residents are happy with their smug satisfaction and their life-changing beignets and their stupid voodoo shops. Mostly I'm worried that the Colts' defeat means I'll never see this again. For the record, I hate both Tom Brady and the circus.)

Orientation itself was... well, it was a pretty typical orientation. There never is much diversity in company orientations, is there? That is why I would like to suggest a new format for "Beginnings," which, as it turns out, is a completely serious, un-ironic title for my new employer's orientation process. (They also refer to career paths as "journeys." Completely seriously.) The way I see it, if all orientations wind up being exactly the same no matter what, they may as well streamline the process. I now present to you my new money-making venture.

Journeys in the Orient(ation): Your Toolkit to Working at [insert company name here]!

Welcome! We're glad you decided to join our team at [company name]! We think you'll find your journey with us to be long and rewarding. Before you start, we'd just like to familiarize you with some of our values and ideals. In no time you'll be a valuable member of our team!

Promoting an image of professionalism is very important to us. Look in your employee manual for guidelines for your specific position, but here are helpful videos with some general guidelines for the dress code:

We at [company name] value employee safety above all else. Take time to learn our company policies.

We also value efforts to conserve and protect our natural resources. Our company has several measures in place.

We hope you and your coworkers will have a harmonious experience together. To ensure that everyone is comfortable in the work environment, and to promote productivity, here are some things you should avoid.

Thanks for joining us today! We look forward to many productive years to come.

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